I love knitting. Knitting helped me keep my head above water in a really bad situation (cancer) and allowed me to feel good about what I was going through. I know that sounds really simplified and heavily generalized, but when you're going through cancer, who cares? Distraction is king. And knitting, at least for me, was a fantastic distraction.
When I got through chemotherapy, and my hair started growing back, I started dating a really nice man. And we're still together. There is so much I love about him. He is generous and thoughtful, he remembers everything important, he's funny, he's smart, he's almost absolutely perfect for me.
He'd be perfect if I understood him at all.
In knitting, if you don't understand a pattern, you can muddle through it, or you can give up and go on to something else, salvaging the yarn you used. You can wait awhile and try again, or you can get a friend to help. Knitting is very maleable and easy to manipulate even if you don't really know what you're doing. If you're in over your head, a little help will get you back to where you need to be. Not to say I haven't knitted a hundred scarves when I got in over my head with a difficult pattern before, because I have.
With men...you get none of that. There's nothing to understand. Even my guy, with his sweetness and his sincerity, is inscrutable. He's not much into sharing, unless I just start talking aimlessly, which I tend to do if I don't really know what to do, and when I do that, he'll share to a certain degree. But more often than not, if I want to know something, I have to figure out what I want to know, then I have to ask him. I hate that. I hate having to either listen really hard, or keep a tally of what I know and what I don't know. It's HARD.
So I feel like I don't know as much as I want to know. And I don't know how to broach any topic that mystifies me. How do I ask him why he's going to a theme park with his newly-married daughter and her husband, and I'm left to smile and say "How nice!" instead of going along? How do I ask why I've never met his brother? Why does he not invite me to sporting events, especially after I've said how much I enjoy watching sports, which I really do? Instead, I smile and nod and let it go, let it go, let it go. I mean, he's a grown man. And we both have our commitment issues, thanks to other relationships. If I ask him something, he might ask me something, and there are subjects I'm not always willing to talk about. Why ruin a perfectly nice evening?
And I have to admit: I am used to taking care of myself. Buying my own groceries, carrying my own bags, taking out my own trash, paying my own bills, and dealing with hardships, difficulties, and problems on my own. I'm not always great at letting someone else help.
That doesn't excuse him. But I can't get too mad. We both have baggage, and sometimes it's hard to put that baggage down.
So...knitting makes me happy, because I totally control what happens to the yarn. My boyfriend makes me happy, but I have absolutely no control over him, so I cope the best I can.
He's at a tennis match right now. He didn't ask me. I get free tickets to the games. He bought his own ticket, and didn't even tell me there was a game tonight. Of course, I didn't ask him to do anything with me tonight, because I had a feeling the answer would just be "Sorry, I can't." I'm not bitter. He loves me. I always enjoy being with him. And he's allowed to do things without me. I'm a little pissed he didn't tell me he had plans--even though I didn't ask. I'll live.
Time to get back to knitting.
I knit monsters. They're adorable. Evil bunnies, mermaids, squids, and plain old monsters. I get to make them any way I want, and they have no say. I love them.
Some day I'll figure out I either need to speak up, or accept things the way they are.
Until then...I'll make monsters.
When I got through chemotherapy, and my hair started growing back, I started dating a really nice man. And we're still together. There is so much I love about him. He is generous and thoughtful, he remembers everything important, he's funny, he's smart, he's almost absolutely perfect for me.
He'd be perfect if I understood him at all.
In knitting, if you don't understand a pattern, you can muddle through it, or you can give up and go on to something else, salvaging the yarn you used. You can wait awhile and try again, or you can get a friend to help. Knitting is very maleable and easy to manipulate even if you don't really know what you're doing. If you're in over your head, a little help will get you back to where you need to be. Not to say I haven't knitted a hundred scarves when I got in over my head with a difficult pattern before, because I have.
With men...you get none of that. There's nothing to understand. Even my guy, with his sweetness and his sincerity, is inscrutable. He's not much into sharing, unless I just start talking aimlessly, which I tend to do if I don't really know what to do, and when I do that, he'll share to a certain degree. But more often than not, if I want to know something, I have to figure out what I want to know, then I have to ask him. I hate that. I hate having to either listen really hard, or keep a tally of what I know and what I don't know. It's HARD.
So I feel like I don't know as much as I want to know. And I don't know how to broach any topic that mystifies me. How do I ask him why he's going to a theme park with his newly-married daughter and her husband, and I'm left to smile and say "How nice!" instead of going along? How do I ask why I've never met his brother? Why does he not invite me to sporting events, especially after I've said how much I enjoy watching sports, which I really do? Instead, I smile and nod and let it go, let it go, let it go. I mean, he's a grown man. And we both have our commitment issues, thanks to other relationships. If I ask him something, he might ask me something, and there are subjects I'm not always willing to talk about. Why ruin a perfectly nice evening?
And I have to admit: I am used to taking care of myself. Buying my own groceries, carrying my own bags, taking out my own trash, paying my own bills, and dealing with hardships, difficulties, and problems on my own. I'm not always great at letting someone else help.
That doesn't excuse him. But I can't get too mad. We both have baggage, and sometimes it's hard to put that baggage down.
So...knitting makes me happy, because I totally control what happens to the yarn. My boyfriend makes me happy, but I have absolutely no control over him, so I cope the best I can.
He's at a tennis match right now. He didn't ask me. I get free tickets to the games. He bought his own ticket, and didn't even tell me there was a game tonight. Of course, I didn't ask him to do anything with me tonight, because I had a feeling the answer would just be "Sorry, I can't." I'm not bitter. He loves me. I always enjoy being with him. And he's allowed to do things without me. I'm a little pissed he didn't tell me he had plans--even though I didn't ask. I'll live.
Time to get back to knitting.
I knit monsters. They're adorable. Evil bunnies, mermaids, squids, and plain old monsters. I get to make them any way I want, and they have no say. I love them.
Some day I'll figure out I either need to speak up, or accept things the way they are.
Until then...I'll make monsters.
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